Monday, August 07, 2006
I know it has been donkey years since I last wrote. I don't know why, I just don't feel like writing anymore. Well, that's part of the reason. Another reason is the never-ending essays. It seems like essays after essays after essays. It's driving me nuts but still coping with it. Anyways, this entry will be kind of personal.. SO yeah.. Your choice whether you want to read it or not.
Ok, let's start. Recently, I seem to realise what kind of person I am. Well, not all my characteristics, but just one. One that I can tell you, I am not very proud of. After a certain incident, I start to realise that I'm the kind of person who will run away when problem comes, instead of facing it. Maybe sometimes I will face it, but that's only when I have the courage to do so or after some persuasion from family and friends. I hate to run away from problems. I know that by running away from them, nothing can be solved. But I always have this fear, fear of knowing the truth, fear of knowing that the truth will hurt me in some ways. To sum it up, I fear the truth. It is so hard to accept truth. But it's so easy for you to say "I want to know the truth". It happens to me a lot of times and I can tell you, 99.9%, I'm hurt by this truth. So, after much experience, I never want to find out about the truth anymore. I don't want to be hurt by this truth. So, anyways, as you can tell, I'm in a problem right now. I don't know how it turns out this way, I don't know what happened, I don't know what did I do wrong. I seem to have offended that person real bad that that person does not want to talk to me like ever again. I've tried to "introspeksi diri" [means something like "searching what's wrong with me"], I've tried to remember any time that I might have offended that person. I don't know.. I just don't... Yeah I know I'm lazy, I'm sorry, I promise I will change. Everything gets worse after the... I don't know what shits you've heard. In a way, I kind of prefer now. I don't really have to care about being ga enakan with that person cause we don't talk. Don't really have to care about practically anything. It's like I live my own life and you live yours. Part of me wants this problem to be solved, part of me wants us to be like we used to, laughing and all. But part of me also knows that it is somewhat impossible. And part of me does not want to know the TRUTH! Without knowing the truth, how to solve the problem?? Oh dear God, please give me the strength to get through this. Please give me the patience and somewhat the courage to face this.
That's about all I want to say. Moral of the story... TRUTH HURTS!
MeR stepped on your garbage